SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS as time goes by..
Grief is tiring and it is up and down. I have had a busy two weeks since Connie passed, what with arranging estate stuff for the lawyer, taking care of the sorts of things that go along with closing up a life. The two weeks have gone by quickly and if I sense of anything other than deep loss it is fatigue. I crashed a bit this weekend. The arrival of hay fever didn’t help……
Planning helps. Connie began arranging things for our estates before dementia set in. She set it all up as a good lawyer would. All our accounts were set up with beneficiaries or joint tenancy. Well, except for one. I found one account where she had not done that but it’s not a big deal. The lawyer will handle it. Just a couple of extra hoops to jump through.
Friends are important. I’ve been invited to dinner, to events. A group of friends here in our apartment complex are hosting a remembrance for Connie this coming Tuesday evening. We had decided not to have a service, but our friends said a gathering was something they needed. I suspect I may have needed it more than I thought. I am looking forward to it.
Second-guessing has no place in the aftermath of loss. I found myself, a couple of times, wondering about decisions I made, mainly the timing of moving Connie into memory care back in January 2024. Was it too soon? Could we have had more time together before making such a move? No. We made decisions based on our family, where we were and there’s no point in woulda, coulda, shoulda.
Don’t make big decisions too soon after loss. All the grief and financial experts say big decisions should be put on hold for six months. I agree. In a way that’s why we did so much pre-planning. I, and by extension the kids, didn’t want to have to make big decisions on the fly. I’m in a comfortable apartment complex where I have friends around me. Finances are in order for the long-term. Lawyer, financial advisors are doing what they do on my behalf.
Accept that life goes on and while your loss is unique for you and your loved ones it’s not unique in the natural order of the universe. Everyone is born, everyone dies. Everyone leaves someone behind. Every person you pass on the street has known loss. This is not to minimize it. It’s just to accept your place in as a mortal human being.
Don’t think about “fair.” Is it “fair” that Connie, so full of life, had it cut short? From where I sit, of course not. But “fair” doesn’t enter it. Things happen. Don’t let loss blur all the wonderful years you had together.
Listen with appreciation to well-intended advice. Act on it when it makes sense, smile and thank those giving it when it does not. As I have said many times over the course of this journey every family travels its own path and no two journeys are the same.
Don’t waste time hating a disease. I have said more than once I hate dementia in all its forms but that is a feeling I have then let go of as quickly as I can. Is there anything sillier than hating a disease that comes in its own random way? Let your emotions come to you in ways that help you get through the day. Look as much at what is left as what is gone.
Rich Heiland, has been a reporter, editor, publisher/general manager at daily papers in Texas, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Ohio and New Hampshire. He was part of a Pulitzer Prize-winning team at the Xenia Daily (OH) Daily Gazette, a National Newspaper Association Columnist of the Year. Since 1995 he has operated an international consulting, public speaking and training business specializing in customer service, general management, leadership and staff development with major corporations, organizations, and government. He also writes the blog stuffonmymind.blog. Semi-retired, he lives in West Chester, PA. He can be reached at [email protected].