A Vignette

When death’s coming gives you time there are things you can do, plans you can make that will help give you peace when it is over..

            THERE ARE THINGS to do while waiting on death. Arrangements. Legalities.

            No family handles the final going off in the same way but there are things to consider regardless of situation and so, in that vein, some suggestions, thoughts, ramblings.

            The biggest post-death requirement for someone our age is to notify Social Security about the death. Fortunately, I don’t have to do that. I purchased pre-paid funeral arrangements and the funeral home will take care of sending the death certificate and notice to Social Security. I already have control over Connie’s Social Security. I got that arranged last month. I may go ahead and send a copy of the death certificate in even though I don’t have to, just to cover bases.

            As a part of the pre-arranged contract the care center will notify the funeral home and they will pick Connie up, handle the cremation and provide me with the urn or box. She will stay with me until I pass then my ashes will be added along with our wedding rings and the box will be interred at Sugar Grove Cemetery in Wilmington, Ohio. Simplicity for everyone.

            In our case there will be no funeral to arrange. No services. If we still lived in Huntsville, Texas where Connie was involved in just about every aspect of the community we would have a service and no doubt it would be a packed house. We moved to West Chester during COVID, then went into dementia so there are not enough people here who knew Connie to do a service.

            But, if you do plan on having a service and your loved one is in care, you have the luxury of time. You can call on family members and friends and plan the service. Your funeral home should help. Pick a location, gather up pictures, videos, music, whatever. All that will actually be a welcome distraction from the grief of waiting, leaving room for the grief of loss when it happens.

            I already have met with our lawyer. I decided early on I did not want to be the executor. I am going to pay our lawyer to do it. I have gathered all our financial papers for him and will be emailing our financial advisors to give them permission to communicate with him if need be.

            It’s time to think about who you want to tell when passing comes and goes and how you want to tell them. I have decided it will be a combination of emails and social media. You can set up Facebook as a lasting tribute page for a while if you choose to do so and I think I probably will.

            The funeral home will put the obituary on its site but I plan to pay for obits in two papers – Huntsville where we spent nearly 20 years and my hometown paper.

            If your loved one is in a care center, you will have to plan on a moving day. In our case we will not be rushed. There is no waiting list. We will send most of the furniture to our son’s to stay in storage until our granddaughter graduates from college and has her first apartment. Some paintings will come back to my apartment. Clothing will be donated. 

            I guess the point of this sharing is to just say that death brings chores and it makes sense to sit down with others who will be involved and make a check list. Waiting for someone to die is draining and frankly, in my opinion, some chores are welcomed. 

            Here is a link to a very detailed article on checklists:

https://www.myfarewelling.com/article/what-to-do-when-someone-dies-checklist

Rich Heiland, has been a reporter, editor, publisher/general manager at daily papers in Texas, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Ohio and New Hampshire. He was part of a Pulitzer Prize-winning team at the Xenia Daily (OH) Daily Gazette, a National Newspaper Association Columnist of the Year. Since 1995 he has operated an international consulting, public speaking and training business specializing in customer service, general management, leadership and staff development with major corporations, organizations, and government. He also writes the blog stuffonmymind.blog. Semi-retired, he and his wife live in West Chester, PA. He can be reached at [email protected].