A lesson learned – when you are living with dementia, go easy on having too many expectations….
THERE’S A RESIDENT appreciation cookout in an hour or so on the patio of our apartment complex. A lot of friends will be there and I am sure the mingling will be lively and fun.
I’d planned on bringing Connie up from the memory care unit for it. As far as I am concerned this is still her home and these are her friends.
But this morning she told me she couldn’t do it. I didn’t ask why. Travel long enough on this dementia highway and there’s much you quit asking about. A lot of times, there isn’t an answer. Just because.
So, I will wander down by myself, have a burger, chat a bit then drive down to the memory unit for our evening ritual of TV, chatting, and watching the rabbits and squirrels chasing each other outside her window.
Which leads me to another lesson learned. Don’t have expectations. As time goes by fewer and fewer of them will be met. The reasons don’t matter as more and more your loved one moves deeper into a world where you cannot follow.
I’m realizing it’s hard not to plan. Planning has been a part of our 56-plus years together. Maybe it was just me saying I was going to go the gym, then mow the yard. Maybe it was her saying she was going to do yoga then mop the floors. Maybe it was sitting on the patio with a glass of wine laying out a big trip. Maybe it was just thinking about growing old together, running through blurred fields of wheat with birdies circling above us and a cloudless sky above. You know, like in the BigPharma ads.
We can still do that I guess, but whatever we plan, or mostly these days what I plan, there’s a good chance that a couple of hours later it will be off the table for reasons I no longer need to know or understand.
I will still make suggestions, because you never know. But, I’m starting to realize I need to let the expectations fade and replace them with patience and understanding. When things don’t work out, we will do what we can do and enjoy the moment. And it will be OK.
Rich Heiland, has been a reporter, editor, publisher/general manager at daily papers in Texas, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Ohio and New Hampshire. He was part of a Pulitzer Prize-winning team at the Xenia Daily (OH) Daily Gazette, a National Newspaper Association Columnist of the Year. He has worked as a consultant doing public speaking and training business specializing in customer service, general management, leadership and staff development. He and his wife live in West Chester, PA. He can be reached at [email protected].