IT’S BEEN A while since I checked in. Connie passed April 20 and I think I’ve made one post since then. That’s OK. Reality is this blog is winding down.
But it may live on in new form. I have been exploring the possibility of making it into a book to help those down the road who face the trails and losses of dementia. There are a lot of books out there but not a lot from the first person compared to the “experts.”
I am not looking to make any money. It will probably be self-published. I don’t know what the interest in it might be. Maybe some of you can let me know if you’d buy such a book, particularly if it is modestly priced.
That said, some thoughts about the logistics of death.
You may recall from previous posts that Connie had handled most of our estate planning, given she was an attorney with a lot of experience in that area. She said her goal was to keep it simple. I met last week with the attorney I hired as executor and he said she certainly accomplished that. Basically, all our accounts and investments were set up as beneficiary or joint accounts. All that has been required is for me to send those firms a copy of the death certificate. Our financial advisors have handled some of those notifications.
I will give a shout-out to government. Both Social Security and Medicare have been a breeze. The funeral home notified Social Security of Connie’s passing and that triggered cancellation of benefits with notices coming to me. Medicare also was notified and I took care of notifying our AARP United Supplement.
I only screwed one thing up – the bank. A week or so ago my son and I went over to the bank. I wanted to take Connie off the account and put him on it. He’s assured me he won’t embezzle my funds and if I am incapacitated, pass etc. there will be one less hurdle for him to jump in terms of access funds.
Well, our friendly Chase branch banker told me that I had not notified them of Connie’s passing so that had to happen first. I went home and sent him a copy of the death certificate. But, when my lawyer and I went to the courthouse to register him as executor and set me up at administrator, I found that was not enough.
The lawyer said when he went to the account, he found that Connie had set herself up as owner with me as a co-holder. That meant I had no standing on the account in my ability to make changes. So, a special notarized paper was sent to the attorney to handle the death notice in a way that satisfied the account structure. That’s why I hired a lawyer to handle a fairly simple estate – to catch those things.
I am getting mail for Connie, a lot of it from various organizations, most seeking money. Most come with paid self-return envelopes, so I have just been writing “deceased” in large black marker and putting it in the envelope. I assume they will get the message.
Now that this is underway I can say emphatically that the pre-planning Connie did and I added to has been worth it. We’ve had some hoops to jump through, but it’s been mostly painless. Things to do differently? Well, notify the bank earlier. How I overlooked that I don’t know. That’s about it.
PERSONALLY, I AM trying to develop new routines but not trying too hard yet. I have been working on getting photo albums up to date to store in my son’s basement. I’ve been getting back in the gym. I have a Rick Steves Italy tour booked for September and will hop over to Athens for a couple of days to see grandson Ben who is going to college there. In October I will take a long road trip out to Big Bend National Park for a reunion of our Sierra Club trail crew volunteers. I will stop and see some folks going and coming.
I’m looking around the community for things to involve myself in. I’m already involved on the local political scene, mostly writing for groups, strategizing. I may do some volunteering, expand some hobbies. I am not even two months out from Connie’s passing, though it seems longer than that, so I don’t feel any rush to make big decisions. I am, to a degree, drifting through life, doing small things and keeping my eyes open to possibilities.
The hardest thing so far, other than missing Connie more than I can says? Learning to say “yes” again. For almost three years every time I got invited to something, asked to participate, I said “no” because I was spending so much time with Connie. It has taken me a while to block that knee-jerk “no” and start saying “yes” to invites.
If this is the last post, thanks for reading. I will keep the blog up so folks can refer to it and if there is a book, will let you know.
Rich Heiland, has been a reporter, editor, publisher/general manager at daily papers in Texas, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Ohio and New Hampshire. He was part of a Pulitzer Prize-winning team at the Xenia Daily (OH) Daily Gazette, a National Newspaper Association Columnist of the Year. Since 1995 he has operated an international consulting, public speaking and training business specializing in customer service, general management, leadership and staff development with major corporations, organizations, and government. He also writes the blog stuffonmymind.blog. Semi-retired, he lives in West Chester, PA. He can be reached at [email protected].